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Dirty Old Dr. Cyrus Has a Cure for the Corona-Virus

Carlos E. Romero

By Carlos Romero

“Truth be told, despite all appearances and his lofty aspirations—Carlos is really down-to-earth—an all-around practical joker!”

Published January 13, 2021

Okay, so here’s a little ditty I wrote not too long ago (in March of 2020). 

Basically, I was trying to make light of the current situation. It’s quite bawdy, but please don’t take offense. 

It was written with the spirit of backroom/vaudevillian humor in mind. 

And I was definitely inspired by the likes of James Joyce, Benny Hill, the comedic genius of Peter Cook and Dudley Moore (i.e., the must-see legendary performance by these two extremely talented gentlemen in Beyond the Fringe and Not Only…But Also), George Carlin, and not forgetting the brilliant Ian Dury and the Blockheads.

So, enjoy and let’s all have a laugh for a change!

Dirty Old Dr. Cyrus Has a Cure for the Corona-Virus (03/30/20)

Nurse, please send in the next patient,

for time is fleeting, and forever transient.

How do you do, I’m Dr. Cyrus, what seems to be the matter?

Oh, no, doctor, there’s nothing wrong with my bladder!

What I mean is—where is the pain, how do you feel?

Well, that’s easy, with my hands and not with a banana peel!

No, you misunderstand me—where does it hurt?

Where else, down there—but he’s such a little squirt!

In that case, remove all your clothes and hang them on the door,

as you can see—mine are already on the floor.

But doctor, what about my husband—is my marriage crumbling?

Worry about that later, cause’ pretty soon you’ll be moaning and a—coming!

Oh, doctor, that sounds so wicked, maybe even frightful.

Don’t worry ma’am, I’ll make it worthwhile and delightful!

Please follow me, right this way—over here, step inside the latrine.

And by the way, did I mention you have a very lovely pair—Mrs. Quarantine!

Why, thank you, doctor. Oh, my! Is that your thermometer or are you just happy to see me?

Ma’am, as your physician, I recommend you get lots of sex, sun—and don’t forget to pee!

Now, you may be older but you’re still remarkably fit. Lift here—help me spread your wings.

My word! You’re definitely not shy or diabetic, why—it’s such a big ole’ thing!

Gee, doctor, that felt so good! I’m so happy, relaxed, and totally at ease.

Thank you, ma’am, I too, thoroughly enjoyed my piece.

Now, as I truly am your good old doctor Cyrus,

I must inform you that you’re perfectly healthy and don’t have the new corona virus!

Why, doctor, that’s great news! You’re too kind—how can I ever repay you for saving my life?

Thanks for asking! That’s easy, I’ll see you next week, same time—say around a quarter to five!  

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